Transitions

A week before Thanksgiving last year, our new college freshman called from school to tell us something. “Mom and Dad, I am going to start using they/them pronouns.” A few minutes later into the conversation, we were told, “Actually, my goal is eventually to start using she/her pronouns.” We were shocked; we didn’t see it coming; we had no idea. Yes, at times through the years, we thought perhaps this beautiful child was gay or bisexual but never did transgender cross our minds. We didn’t grasp the potential difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. In fact, we didn’t even think about the difference. We didn’t know; we didn’t understand.

Our children grew up in many different countries, including some very conservative places, where the LGBTQ+ community was not visible and, in some cases, illegal. Yet, growing up, our oldest child insisted on long nails and hair and liked to wear my heels around the house sometimes. We tried admonishing, telling this child to cut their nails and hair, and even stating our “worry” that this beautiful human being would be mistaken for a girl in our misguided attempts to discourage the behavior. We didn’t know; we didn’t understand. 

Many want to believe that “indoctrination is the culprit.” We get that it is easier than admitting that because of “societal norms,” these beautiful souls hid from us, those who love them, and the world around them. But, no, it was not and is not indoctrination; it is their truth finally being allowed (relative to the past anyway) to live in our world. We now know. We now understand. 

As parents of a transgender daughter, we are scared for her, terribly scared for her. But, this fear is not about how she lives her truth; instead, it is because of hateful people in our world who would seek to do her harm, isolate and exclude her for living her truth, or deny her existence altogether. We have no place for that hatred in our lives, communities, or world. 

No matter what, we are always guided by our love for our children to ensure they always have a loving, safe place to land. We will always be that loving and safe place for our children. We love our children, both our cis child and our transgender child, beyond measure. They are beautiful, unique, intelligent individuals who bring many blessings to us and the world around them. #Alwaysmychild 

History matters!

Over winter break, our oldest child was driving past the gas station when a pick-up with a trailer pulled out. The pick-up displayed a flag with profanity against a politician, which is bad enough. Even scarier, the pick-up also displayed a swastika. Unfortunately, we have seen an increase in such displays in our hometown. As a non-Anglican, non-Christian family, we find it downright scary! 

 My husband's dad (as a toddler) and family were imprisoned in their own home, told they were not American because of their Japanese ancestry and Buddhist traditions. Uncles (by marriage) served in the 442nd while their families were under house arrest or imprisoned in internment camps. Many neighbors turned on their Japanese-American neighbors, supported these acts, or turned a blind eye. I've seen my husband pulled off by US airport security, pushed around, and asked, "do you even speak English?" before he could answer, even though they had his US diplomatic passport in hand. He's been repeatedly asked, "no, where are you really from?" until he explains his ancestry. This persists, even after he explains he was born and raised in Idaho, as were his parents. 

Our family has been harassed for being Jewish and told we would go to hell because we do not believe in Jesus. When working at a US Embassy overseas, my husband's language teacher (unaware he was part of a Jewish family) casually told him, "Hitler should've finished the job." We've been called a "Jew" as if it were an insult, as in "you're nothing but a Jew" or "you're just a Jew, and I always knew it" or, "Hey, Jew boy." Our experiences are limited to those experienced by Japanese-American and by Jewish Americans. But, they are enough for us to understand an inkling of the fear and mistrust experienced by other minority communities. 

How can anyone not understand the importance of our children learning about the events that caused this fear and mistrust? A fear and mistrust born out of events that dehumanized so many. A fear and mistrust born out of knowing that so many easily turn a blind eye to this dehumanization. A fear and mistrust of those who continue to harbor hatred and who are increasingly displaying it at an alarming rate. A fear and mistrust of those who proclaim we cannot teach about these acts and their demoralizing and lasting impacts. One must wonder why anyone would not want to learn from these injustices, face them and teach the next generation to do better. Unfortunately, it seems there is a clear reason. 

An overwhelming majority of the same individuals who insist we cannot teach about these injustices also insist that we are a Christian nation instead of an ethnically and religiously diverse one. This Christian nationalism does not want to learn to do better. In fact, Christian nationalists seek to go back to the past and widen the space for dehumanizing ethnic minorities, racial minorities, religious minorities, and the LGBTQI+ community. Contrary to the belief of such nationalists, one does not have to believe America is a Christian nation to be a patriotic American. 

One's patriotism is not dependent upon faith, race, ancestral origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or when or from where one's family originally came to America. Believing one's patriotism is dependent on such things is the most unAmerican belief imaginable. It is ridiculous to expect that individuals from historically-marginalized communities would "get over" their fear and mistrust in an environment that seeks to deny their lived experiences, past and present, individually and communal. How can one learn from failures if they continue to pretend such failures and their resulting harm do not exist? 

 We are patriotic Americans who want the best future possible for our children and our country. That means a country where we recognize our failures, learn from them and commit to doing better. That means we understand that tolerance of minority communities is not enough (though it would be a good start). That means recognizing that our Americanness and patriotism are not dependent upon our faith, race, ancestral origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or when or from where one's family originally came to America. Instead, our Americanness and patriotism depend on our desire to ensure that every American has the equal opportunity to live to their fullest potential without fear of being targeted for hatred and discrimination simply for not being straight, cis, white, and/or Christian.

Here We Go

I stopped using the blog for a very long time, but thinking this may in fact be the better venue for thoughts on the world around us. We are no longer with the US State Department, retired to our home state, our oldest in college, and our youngest in high school. Both my spouse and I are working for our state government, me part-time, him full-time. 

 After years of moving every two-to-three years, we are home. We bought a house last year and are feeling at home and settled in life. We will always miss living in other countries, learning about new peoples and cultures, making friends around the world. But, we do not miss the actual MOVING AT ALL

It is very good to be home. But, we are very concerned with what we are seeing in our country and our communities. I've posted to my Facebook feed some, but feeling like that may not be the best place for these thoughts. So, figured out how to log in to this thing again, and here we go...