Wednesday, November 14, 2012

My Own Eyes

When I was young, I felt such pride from my Dad in me. He made me feel I could do anything and it was a good feeling. I had always seen myself through my Dad's eyes. He died when I was 19 and I lost that and I lost me.

When I started dating my husband, 19 years ago, I had hoped that he could give me that feeling again. It was a silly expectation and, in fact, a harmful one. Because, it meant I never did learn to see myself through my own eyes.

I have spent my life seeing myself through the eyes of others. Building my dreams around the dreams of those I love. Making sacrifices for the goals of others. Making their goals, my goals, but never demanding the same in return. In my mind, I was investing in our family, in our collective future.

There is a point to making sacrifices, it is not all black and white. But, I realize now that the scale has been tipped for far too long in one direction. It is time to demand that I see myself through my own eyes. It is time to demand that the scale of sacrifices be more balanced to allow me to do that.

Yes, major mid-life crisis here. But, G-d willing, working through this crisis will put me and my family on the path toward living a whole, full and authentic life as individuals and as a family.


The Story Chronicles said...

Brava to you. For what it's worth, those of us who know and love you see you for who you are: a gorgeous woman on the inside and out, an amazing mom, and a fabulous and always supportive friend. Xoxo

The Stone Rabbit said...

Thank you. You are such a dear sweet friend. Talk about a gorgeous woman, amazing mom and fabulous and supportive friend - I am so fortunate you are my friend!!! Beijos!