We all have something

I was thinking today about how we have so many different friends, from all over the world, with different education levels, religions, orientations, ethnicities, shapes, sizes, conditions, situations and on and on. And, you know, it occurred to me, we all have something. We all have something that makes us unique, different, special, maybe even insecure from time-to-time. But, we really shouldn't be insecure. Because, really, we all have something. And, I would bet, that those we don't think have "something," do. And, if they don't believe that they do, then simply the pressure of having to keep up the appearance of perfection, in and of itself, is something. We all have something.

How the hell do you do it all?

I'm just putting this out there for conversation and curiosity. Does anyone know of a couple where both spouses are full-throttle with their careers, their children, their family as a whole and each other? Or, does it seem that only one spouse at a time can take the career front-seat, so to speak? And, if they are both full-throttle for all, how the hell do they do it and not die of exhaustion?

Not in the career world yet, still just focusing on my school. Just wondering, how the hell do you do it all???? And, really, is it worth it? Of course, I want to find something I love to do, that is fulfilling beyond being a mom and wife. I do need it! However, how to draw the line, where to draw the line? Frankly, to me a part-time gig that is fulfilling seems the ideal solution. Yes, that means I am accepting that my career will not be the one getting top billing.

Clearly, my husband makes far more money than I could possibly make having been out of the career world for SO LONG. And, given the fact that I have limited time with my kiddos before they are off to college (better damn well go to college), I want to balance it all, maximize our resources and enjoy a fulfilling life as a mom, a wife and as an individual beyond those roles. I want the same for my husband and for my children too. I guess if I had the answer on  how to do all that, I would have a best-selling book, wouldn't I? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? Anyone?

The janus worm

A worm with two heads. . .am I actually comparing myself to a friggin' janus worm? It is how I feel right now. One side is the side saying to find happiness, look to what I can do, what I can impact and focus my energies on those things, focus on the positive, on life, on love, on my children, on happiness, one step at a time. The other side, trying to pull me in the opposite direction, is focusing on all the things on my plate right now, all the difficulties in my life, all the challenges ahead, focusing on feelings of being overwhelmed, on what I wish were the situation, on worries, on negativity, on wanting to crawl into a cave and pull in a nice big boulder behind me. Ok, I need to stop thinking of myself as a two-headed worm. Yikes!!!

And, thanks to my brother for explaining the janus worm concept to me when we were kids. By the way, I am starting to think this blog has become my cave (hence the increase in posts).

Deep thoughts not by Jack Handy

I have come to believe that a joyful, healthy, happy life has nothing to do with what others think of us. Rather, it should be more about just finding joy and fulfillment, while also showing and giving compassion, love and care for others. Not for the sake of some tit-for-tat exchange of favors, emotions or care; not for building-up some cosmic good karma; and certainly not from guilt. But, just for the pure experience of relating to other human beings.

I've also been thinking a lot about the difference between ego and self-esteem. All too often, I wonder if we teach our children to build their egos, but not their self-esteem. I am starting to see that ego is built or knocked down by judging ourselves by what others do, say, have or think. It is dependent upon others, often involving comparisons to and validation from others; a very volatile way to live.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, comes from within and cannot be knocked down or built-up by others. It is more dependent on being built from within. Am I trying my best to improve? Am I making progress? Am I actively contributing to the world around me? Am I engaging with others, learning and growing? What can I do to make a difference for the better? I wonder if the only comparison true self-esteem allows is a comparison to self?

Is ego all bad? Maybe what I am calling ego is actually a component of competitive drive, which is an essential motivator for progress for many. Maybe it is a necessary component for progress and achievement. I really don't know. Maybe I've just gone completely off the deep-end and need a good drink and/or a good. . ., well let's just say end to this unaccompanied tour. Regardless, clearly I don't have all of the answers, in fact I barely have any. But, I would love to hear the thoughts of my lurkers and commentators alike.

Stay Alive

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZnu7fVRPIc

My new favorite song by Jose Gonzalez. Poor kids, I keep playing this one over and over and over. Of course, the next song on the playlist is the Pina Colada song, which for some reason they absolutely love. We even had a pina colada night at their insistence - virgin coladas for them of course. :)

By the way, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" was just a movie that really hit home for me. I do recommend it. Yes, some of it is outlandish, but the message, the message is spot on!

Letting go

I have so much homework that I should be doing, but these thoughts are just overtaking my mind and I, at least, want to get them down before they disappear into the twilight zone. I've  been really emotionally and physically spent this last while, some due to the UAT, some due to new things, most due to old things. And, it is just dawning on me tonight, finally maybe getting through this thick skull of mine, that it's time to let go. I cannot carry these burdens on my shoulders anymore because they are eating me up inside. Not every battle has to be fought. As much as I hate to admit this, not every event has a logical explanation. Not every injustice can be understood.

Awhile ago, I railed against the concept of "let go and let G-d," thinking that too many people use that as a way to avoid responsibility for their own lives and choices. And, yes, there are some who do that. But, maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to understand that in a different way. Maybe "let go and let G-d" means for me to say, "G-d, I cannot carry these burdens on my shoulders any more, I am taking them off and placing them at your feet, giving them over to you, please take them so I can learn to live again." Maybe, just maybe. . .

Thankful

This Thanksgiving I am taking some time to recognize those things for which to be thankful.

First, and foremost, are my beautiful boys. They are such a joy (except when they are fighting) and I am forever grateful that I have been blessed with these little miracles!

Second, I am forever thankful to friends and family who were there to catch me and be there for me every step of the way in these last several months. I cannot even begin to thank you enough for all your love, comfort, encouragement and support.

Finally, I cannot begin to thank G-d enough for blessing me with such wonderful people in my life. But, I will try. . . .THANK YOU G-D!

My Own Eyes

When I was young, I felt such pride from my Dad in me. He made me feel I could do anything and it was a good feeling. I had always seen myself through my Dad's eyes. He died when I was 19 and I lost that and I lost me.

When I started dating my husband, 19 years ago, I had hoped that he could give me that feeling again. It was a silly expectation and, in fact, a harmful one. Because, it meant I never did learn to see myself through my own eyes.

I have spent my life seeing myself through the eyes of others. Building my dreams around the dreams of those I love. Making sacrifices for the goals of others. Making their goals, my goals, but never demanding the same in return. In my mind, I was investing in our family, in our collective future.

There is a point to making sacrifices, it is not all black and white. But, I realize now that the scale has been tipped for far too long in one direction. It is time to demand that I see myself through my own eyes. It is time to demand that the scale of sacrifices be more balanced to allow me to do that.

Yes, major mid-life crisis here. But, G-d willing, working through this crisis will put me and my family on the path toward living a whole, full and authentic life as individuals and as a family.

Not sure, but giving it a go. . .

Well, after all these years of talking the talk, I took the first step toward walking it. I am applying to a Masters program. We will see. . .I've been scared. Scared that I won't be accepted, scared that I will fail, scared that I will spend a ton of money on a degree that will not really be everything I hoped it would be and scared of things I cannot even identify. But, I've finally decided "so the *^&% what!" What does it hurt to try? If I don't get in, I don't get in. If I do and end up not being able to keep up or not liking the program at least I will know based on real experience, not just second-guessing myself. I can take just one class per term, slow and steady and that is ok. And, so, here I go. . . .

Authenticity

As I look at our life through Facebook and even this blog, I see what we want to portray to the world. And, yes, it is very much a part of us. However, it is not fully authentic. Only a glimpse into the positive side of our family's life, with the occasional controlled glimpse at an isolated negative experience along the way.  I do think it is important to know that life is not always perfect, no matter what we see on someone's Facebook page or blog.

Will I stop with Facebook and the blog, knowing all of this? Sometimes I am tempted to do just that, sometimes I slow to a standstill, but in the end I still do want to share our adventures with our friends and family around the world and be connected to them and their adventures.

Now, I have been facing some serious questions. I overcame much in my young life. I think I had even convinced myself that the pain from the past had built me into the person I am today, so because of that it was worth it. And, while on many levels that still holds true, what I wasn't prepared to face is the fact that just because you overcome some major difficulties at one point in your life does not mean you will never face serious difficulties in your future. The truth is that you just never know.

What I do know, from watching my parents, others and even when facing my own personal demons, is that it is easy to be the victim. And, it is very difficult to be the survivor. But, in the end, the victim stays in a pit of despair and the survivor does move on and thrive again. But, also, I know we need to do more than just survive. We need to live, really live and enjoy life and each other. And, this is the path I hope for us to embark upon together, authentically, with life's ups and downs and staying true to ourselves and each other. Easier said than done, but definitely the goal.

Where Do I Go From Here

I've been experiencing a rough time, not sure how to get myself together, but searching, looking, trying to appreciate those things that are true, happy, and positive. Just looking at my beautiful boys makes we want to try to be the strong, independent, confident and contented woman that I want to be and that they need me to be and that I lost somewhere along the way.

I'm hoping building strength of body will help me build strength of mind and soul. Definitely a work in progress, but it is helping me.

I've spent so many years focusing on being wife and mom, so many years planning for the future, I think I just need to stop, take a deep breath and experience life in the present a little bit. I can just live, do my best for my family and myself and see where that gets us for awhile.

Mom

My Mom passed away earlier this week. This is something I wrote during the 27 hours it took me to rush home to her funeral. Rest in peace Mom.

When I was a little girl, my Mom had a brain surgery to fix a neuralgia. This was the beginning of a decline that she would never escape. I have a few memories of Mom really being Mom, being a person not ruled by mental and physical illness. These memories are very special to me and I cling to those with my heart and soul!!! I think the biggest reason Jewish holidays are so important to me is the memory of being with her as Mom and daughter preparing the meals together, especially matzoh balls. And, probably why the piano has such meaning to me is because of the memories I have of her playing. She wasn't some grand pianist, but when she played I saw a woman, my Mom, without the sickness; if even for only brief moments. As the years passed and she deteriorated more and more, I lost hope of ever even getting to see those brief glimpses of her as Mom. That is until she became Grandma. When she saw her grandsons, a glimmer of the woman, of the Mom, I so very much longed for was there. She loved her grandsons and they adored her! Now that she has died, I imagine all the sickness, all the ailments of the Body and mind have finally left her to be buried Forever. And those glimmers of life and love are the whole of her now as she joins my Dad up in heaven. And so I pray to G-d, that finally in heaven she is able to gaze down upon us all with a full heart and a joyous soul and perhaps finally a relief from all that tore her away from us on this earth for so many years.

Thoughts of a Not-So-Desperate Housewife

Oh, what has happened to me? Here I was today sitting listening to "Fresh Air" on NPR, driving in my SUV, with my two kids in their car seats in the back, donating money to various causes that make it easy and convenient to do so and not giving a bit of my time or effort to actually change anything outside of my little world that I profess to care about. I am exactly what I railed against only 10, maybe 15 years ago. Does some part of me now feel a little of that "middle class guilt" I never before understood? The "middle class guilt" that I resented as a young "poor" kid, that I thought was demeaning and useless, that I thought led people to donate rhetoric and money, but never their personal time and effort to make it better. Just a minute, let me finish texting "Haiti." OK, done.

Or, maybe it's just that I realize as hard as it was growing up, there are so many in the world that have it so much harder and, so, a lot of the bitterness has dissipated. Perhaps, I now understand just how lucky I am to have been born an American. I never slept on a cement floor in a straw hut, without infrastructure for electricity or water, nor without an opportunity for an education or a way to better my life beyond my parents' place in life. So many in the world lack basic foundations of living, they lack opportunity for class mobility, for education, for so many things. And, they are surrounded by deep, embedded corruption that teaches "take advantage of what and who you can, when you can, because everyone else around you is doing it and if you don't, then there will be nothing left for you or your family." It's an attitude I absolutely abhor, but after living in too many countries where "democracy" is a title bantered about without real meaning, where oligarchy would really be the better description, I do have a slight understanding of why they've given in to it.

Perhaps I get frustrated and feel overwhelmed by my inability to do anything that would actually make a difference or at my lack of desire to do anything except, perhaps, just enjoy my little slice of life in the world for a while. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much. What's that, my turn for Wii Mario Cart? OK, gotta go.